17.3.09

I'm pretty neat, goddammit.

















Dear Chloe at 24, 
I'm not ready for you. I'm just not ready. 


And as my days continue  and increase speed, I'm clutching the broken emergency break.
In my mind, I'm still a bandit but in my heart I'm overturned. 

Just give me some more time to figure this out. 

I've been living a life that I'm not quite sure I ment to lead in the exact way I did. 
I lived it like a easy job with good health insurance, after scrubbing jizz booths for a living.
but today I quit, and with the knowledge I've worked so hard for, I cant ever go back to bleaching cum.

Now I'm just another unemployed american who is wondering where her childlike dreams of a semi perfect life have gone and if its embarrassing to go back to the abandoned job just to say 'hi'.

If I did everything to the best of my ability, and learned enough to FEEL like i deserve what i wanted, then why am i here? More knowledge and less power. 
I know that I have more to learn. I know that I need to learn more about adaptation and comfort within it. I know that I'm too young and stubborn to just stop ignoring it, and that I need to get it before I can have what I thought I had. 

This story better have a great ending, because its starting to feel like I'm sitting through The Wrestler, again.  
I'll be here in...well I don't need to pick a state for you to find me in...but where I am, i'll be waiting for a celebration of life. full of little puppies that i can freely love forever because a piece of paper will say that its mine, and dances to Squeeze from Ellen DeGeneres, and bacon topped cupcakes, and long drives filled with bad traffic and good music,  and maybe even love. 
The really real kind with stuttering words and nervous laughs and respect because thats what you feel when you love. From day one until day 1,950 (since I can't imagine letting this happen till im at least 30 years old an cant imagine living long after 60, I would love a good 30 years)

Until then, all I can do is look for the light at the end of this tunnel, that i thought i was out of.







2 comments:

Anonymous said...

i think that whatever you touch will turn to gold.

i think that whatever road you bring yourself down next, you will shine and sparkle like a goddamn tiara for the entire journey.


you have immense creativity and artistic vision and artistic beauty inside of you that can't be matched, or challenged, or threatened. it can only be projected.

i feel like a fag now. but it's the truth; you're incredible. and you will only continue to amaze me as you stumble and crawl and walk and run toward the person that you are becoming.

Anonymous said...

you are worth so fucking much

About Me

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Likes to hate things like: The color pink, My Little Pony, ambient music, Coca-Cola products, high waisted everything, cats...all of them, bananas, most female singers, Adult Swim humor, chopping onions, bad parking jobs, sentences that start with 'i had this crazy dream', shimmery makeup, unmade beds, cursive fonts, bleached hair on the crown of black hair, Palin, those strappy jesus shoes, Mac 'genius' bar, responding to my cell phone

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